When you’re always saying yes to others but feel stretched thin, emotionally drained, or resentful, it may be time to look inward. People pleasing can seem like kindness on the surface, but for many, it’s a pattern tied to deeper emotional needs, often at the expense of their well-being.
At Northeast Health Services (NEHS), we offer mental health counseling throughout Massachusetts to help you navigate challenges like these. Whether you’re seeking therapy for the first time or looking to explore a specific pattern of behavior, we’re here to support you with treatment on your terms. Call 508.794.8711 to discuss how we can help. Let’s explore why people pleasing happens—and how to stop it.
What to know about people pleasing
People pleasing often involves putting others’ needs above your own in a way that feels automatic, even necessary. While it might seem generous or selfless, it can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted, underappreciated, and disconnected from your own wants and needs.
Psychologists define people pleasing as a behavior pattern rooted in a desire for approval, fear of rejection, or avoidance of conflict. Many people pleasers struggle with setting boundaries and saying no. Others may fear appearing selfish or disappointing others. Over time, this pattern can impact your mental health, contributing to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. A 2023 article in Psychology Today explains that people pleasing is often driven by a deep need to feel valued, needed, or safe—especially if someone learned early in life that love and care are conditional on being helpful or agreeable.
What is the purpose of people pleasing?
It might not feel like it serves a purpose, but people pleasing is often a way to feel emotionally secure. Understanding that motivation can be the first step toward change. Common reasons people engage in people pleasing include:
- Emotional safety: Seeking to avoid conflict or disapproval from others
- Self-worth: Tying your value to how much you help or care for others
- Relationship patterns: Growing up in environments where harmony was prioritized, sometimes at personal cost
- Perfectionism: Believing that if you always get things “right,” you’ll be accepted or loved
These motivations don’t mean something is wrong with you. In many cases, people pleasing is a learned survival strategy that may have worked for a long time. But just because it was useful once doesn’t mean it still serves you now.
How do you stop people-pleasing behaviors?
It’s not always easy to step back from a habit that’s so deeply ingrained. But with support and practice, it’s possible. Here are a few ways to begin:
- Get curious about your patterns: Notice when you say yes out of fear rather than genuine interest
- Start small: Practice setting boundaries in low-stakes situations—like declining a lunch invite when you need rest
- Reflect on your values: Ask yourself what really matters to you and how your actions align with those values
- Embrace discomfort: Saying no might feel uncomfortable at first, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong
- Seek support: A therapist can help you uncover the roots of your people pleasing and work with you to reshape the way you engage with others
According to PsychCentral, recognizing the role of your nervous system in these reactions—especially for people with histories of trauma or emotional neglect—can also help make sense of your behavior. People pleasing is often an attempt to maintain connection and safety, especially when those feel threatened.
How mental health counseling can help
Trying to shift long-held behavior patterns on your own can feel overwhelming. That’s where therapy comes in. At Northeast Health Services, our team of therapists across Massachusetts offers compassionate care for your mental well-being. We use evidence-based approaches—including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and other therapeutic modalities tailored to your needs—to support people who want to stop people pleasing and reconnect with their authentic selves.
You’ll work with someone who gets to know your story and helps you explore the beliefs, habits, and experiences that contribute to people pleasing. Together, you can learn to build healthier boundaries, communicate more honestly, and prioritize your own well-being—without guilt.
We offer both in-person and telehealth options, so care is accessible no matter where you are in life. Our clinics accept most major insurance plans, including Medicaid and Medicare, making getting the support you need easier without added stress. You don’t need to have everything figured out to ask for help. We’re here to assist you on your journey to improved mental health.
Connect with Northeast Health Services and let us help you find your way forward
People pleasing doesn’t make you weak, wrong, or broken. It makes you human and tells a story about what you’ve needed in the past. The good news is, your story isn’t over. With support, you can learn to show up for yourself like you’ve shown up for others. At Northeast Health Services, we’re proud to serve our communities throughout Massachusetts with treatment that supports every patient in our clinics. If you’re ready to explore a different way of being—one that leaves space for your needs, too—we’re ready to walk with you. Call 508.794.8711 today to learn more.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your mental health journey, click here to reach out to our team of empathetic mental health care experts. For existing clients, please click here and find your office location to contact your office directly.