Jeffrey Gardner, LMHC, is the Clinic Director at Northeast Health Services’ Foxborough clinic. A licensed mental health counselor with a background in trauma, anxiety, and youth care systems, Jeffrey brings a grounded and honest perspective to the work. In this conversation, he talks about men’s reluctance to seek care, how stigma still shows up, and what we can do—both clinically and culturally—to make space for men’s mental health.
The pressure to stay silent
What kinds of messages do men grow up hearing about mental health?
Jeffrey: The thing that I’ve heard growing up, and I think the thing that most men have heard, is that men can’t have emotions. Men don’t have the degree of need for mental health awareness.
For me, it was “pull up your socks and get over it.” And I think that’s why we see such a high suicide rate among men, especially young men—because there’s still that kind of stigma around asking for help.
“Man up.” “Get over it.” That’s what I’ve been trying to break down slowly but surely. We’re still going up against tons of it.
When do men tend to seek help and what finally brings them in?
A lot of the men I’ve worked with didn’t come to therapy because they felt safe. They came because they hit rock bottom.
There’s been a suicide attempt. They’ve ended up in the ER or a partial hospitalization program. Now they’re seeing a therapist because they were referred.
And it didn’t have to get to that point.
Afterward, I hear them say, “I could’ve done this years ago.” But they didn’t think they were allowed to.
How symptoms show up differently
What does emotional struggle look like for men who don’t talk about it?
Isolation. That’s a huge one. Especially if someone’s married or has kids—you’ll see them just sitting in their car when they get home. That’s their only moment of peace.
Why wouldn’t you want to be around your family if you’re happy? That’s depression coming out.
Anger is another big one. Acting out, especially among teenagers and younger boys, is something I see more and more. And people say, “Well, maybe we’re over-diagnosing.” No. We just know the science now.
What keeps so many men from talking sooner?
Judgment. The biggest thing I’ve come across is men feel like they’re going to walk in and be judged. Even if they want to talk, they’re thinking, “What if I say the wrong thing?”
There’s also embarrassment. Especially with men who have military backgrounds or high-pressure jobs—they’ve been trained to believe they’re supposed to be tough. They’re not supposed to say, “I need help.”
That embarrassment starts to fade once someone opens up. But there’s still a guard there.
How others can help men open up
What can partners, family, or friends do to support men emotionally?
Be there. Just be present. Someone once asked me, “What do you do when someone’s having a panic attack?” I said, “You just stay.” You can’t talk them down. You just stay.
Ask about their day and don’t gloss over it. If they say, “Fine,” follow up. “What actually happened?”
You don’t need to ask, “How’s your mental health?” every day. Just keep the conversation open. That alone can make a huge difference.
Self-medication and the fear of being judged
Where does substance use fit into this conversation?
A lot of men will self-medicate before they ever ask for help. Alcohol, prescription meds— anything to push the feelings down.
There’s a huge stigma around substance use right now. But we have to realize, as providers, that any kind of substance use is going to come with some kind of mental illness as well. It’s not just going to be a one-off thing.
It could be anxiety-related or depression-related—but there was a reason they started using something in the first place.
And the shame around that is intense. People will come in, know they’re on a high dose of something, and be afraid to tell you. Because they’re thinking, “I’m going to get judged again.”
What therapy can offer—even before crisis
How do you help clients feel safe being honest with you?
People say never self-disclose, but I think you have to ask, “Who’s benefiting from this?”
If it’s helping the client, and it helps them feel seen, I’ll say something like, “I might not understand completely, but I can empathize.”
And I’ll tell them, “You’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be in your shoes.” That levels the playing field.
What do you want men to hear, whether they’re ready or not?
What we were talking about—self-isolation and things like that—I think just knowing that you’re not alone is huge.
You can reach out to a therapist. No matter where you are in the world, we have that 988 hotline. It’s great so far.
There’s no need for you to suffer in silence.
That’s a big thing for me.
You don’t have to carry everything alone
If you’re struggling, or just starting to notice something feels off, therapy can be a space to talk without judgment. Northeast Health Services offers support for men of all ages, at any point in their mental health journey.
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